Hi, guys! It’s me again.
I know I’m not one to write personal posts that don’t include books very often and that’s a choice of mine – I mean, blogging is a kind of getaway from real life for me, so it seems a bit weird to talk about real life here when there is no connection to books. However, I’ve been feeling the need to talk about the changes in my life since I started working again. So, if you don’t feel like reading a personal post, stop now and give me half an hour to post my scheduled posts for the day over here 🙂
You may want to sit, this will be a long ride.
For those who haven’t been around very long, hello! I’m Annelise, a 21 year old journalist that just got her degree last December. I’ve been released from my former agency last July,thanks to my country’s economical crisis, and just got back to work on the last week of May, on the 25th. It was pratically a year at home, only taking my last classes at college and working on my dissertation.
As I still live with my parents – who work out – and I’m an only child, it was natural for me to unburden my mom from her house chores and absorb them into my day. She didn’t ask me, I simply did it. I was jobless, it was the least I could do in my vision. And I had the blog, that will complete its first year this month, on June 22th. I’d love to say that I have wonderful things planned for the date, but that would be a lie. But we’ll get there.
Anyway, I had a big apartment to run, a legacy of better financial times for my family, an old and lovely dog to take care of (yes, I’m talking about my princess Lady, she’s 14) and a blog to keep running. Oh, and my bookstagram account. For 11 months, this was my routine: take care of the house, make lunch for my parents, take care of my dog and when it all was ready to go, blog and Instagram away.
As wonderful as my life was, I felt constantly judged because I couldn’t get a job. It felt like the working spots were there for everyone but me, no one seemed to need what I can offer as a professional. My parents wouldn’t say anything, but honestly? They didn’t have to, especially my mom. No matter if the house was perfect and tidy, if I was getting review request after review request, or if I was meeting awesome people that became offline friends as much as online. I wasn’t making money, so I logically was wasting my time.
With my family with really low on cash, all the non-spoken pressure and the sense of social failture for leaving college without a steady income, I started to freak out a little. And then I blogged more. Because here I could control my life, I could let my passions run free. Being chubby wasn’t a problem. The lack of a boyfriend wasn’t a problem. The lack of money wasn’t a problem. The sick dog wasn’t a problem. My only problems over here are whether a book deserses a certain rating or not, how to say constructive things for all the books that I read, if I answered all my friends and am up to date with their blogs.
Life on WordPress is wonderful, seriously.
And then last month my ex-boss, a wonderful woman that taught me everything I know about my job, who I deeply admire and am proud to call my personal friend nowadays, gave my name to another former co-worker of ours, for a spot on my area. I was called on the agency, made it through the interview and was hired on the same day.
Honestly, I was so happy – and still am. I felt like my life was on some sort of cosmical pause and that everyday looked exactly like the same, I needed the change of scenario and I feel blessed to have a job among a very huge political and economical crisis. But things changed.
As it happens to everything in life, it’s time to adjust now and that’s where lays the problem. I’m not being able to perform my house chores alone anymore and now I feel my mom silent jugding me because I can’t help her enough. My poor Lady spends the whole day alone and my heart breaks everyday to think that I may not be there for her if the wost happens. I feel like my blogposts are not the same anymore, not even half as complete as I’d like to – hell, I can’t even keep up with myself. I’m reading way more than I can review.
All of this has been bothering me a lot because I honestly don’t know how much of this is really my new routine interfering in my private activities and how much this is actually my fault. And the worst part is that no one can answer this but me. I’m confused and messed up.
I know that sooner or later I will adjust and make room for all my chores + blogging on my daily routine, but I’d rather not freak out until then.
What I’m trying to say with this post is that I’m really, really scared. Living my own life is terrifying. I’ll keep trying until I win this war, but it doesn’t make me more comfortable or brave. Just more… Scared, haha.
Since I entered college, I made a point of not giving up anything in life that I really wanted or believed in. Right now, I want this job to be awesome, I want to keep being a blogger and I want to be able to do my house chores and try to make my mom’s life easier. And, more than anything, I want this choices that I’ve made so far to be the right bets.
My whole point is: you believe in something, you keep fighting for it. That’s my plan and not even all my insecurities, reservations and problems will keep me from it. I will adjust, I will go back to a better post quality (in my humble vision) and I will still have time left to clean up my house. All I need is time.
… And to convince myself of all of that.
Thanks so much for reading and I’m really sorry for this so-out-of-nowhere post, but I needed to unload my heart without being too heard offline. I’m very tired of offline people around me blatantly ignoring my previous experience of three years working in agencies and assuming that all my personal problems are due my new job. I mean, hello? This is the only damn thing that is working out for me right now!! Ugh.
Seriously, you are a hero if you made it to this far and, for that, I thank you 🙂 Sorry for turning my blog into a temporary therapy session, but hey, not my fault if I can’t afford a therapist, hahaha!
See you again in some mintures, when I come back at pretending everything is only rainbows, flowers and love.